On a recent domestic flight, I sat directly behind two grown men who shave the hair on their arms, wear skinny jeans, toddler-sized shirts and bathe in Halston Z-14 cologne. Out of all of the colognes on the market, these two Nancy-boys have created a fragrance force field using the only cologne that makes my face break out in hives when I’m around even a molecule of it.

To this point in life, I have not been affected much by my allergic reaction to Halston Z-14. I have no other known allergic reactions and I only became aware of my affliction when I received a bottle of it as a gift a long time ago and began itching and scratching my face like one of those people you hear about who is high on the dope and trying to dig hallucinogenic cockroaches out from underneath his skin. This went on for a week until I was able to figure out it was the cologne. It’s not often that I’m adversely impacted by my rare disorder. As such, I have to believe the popularity of the fragrance has dwindled. It’s such a weird niche allergy. I’d bet that I’m not allergic to Halston Z-13 or Halston Z-15, just Halston Z-14.

No matter how rare my reaction and no matter how few men still wear this scent, there are those who walk among us who continue to use it. With that being the case, I’m thinking of having some business cards printed out so that I can hand them out to men who take a whore’s bath in Halston Z-14 before climbing aboard a bus, train, plane, elevator or other confined space. The card might read:

“The normally affable man with the worrisome rash on his face who has handed you this card has only one known allergic reaction: an allergic reaction to Halston Z-14.

You have evidently sprayed yourself with an excessive amount of this cologne and, as a result, you’re putting out dangerously high levels of allergen into our shared space. Kindly remove yourself from the area and find a suitable location to wash away the cologne on your person.

Similar to drinking alcoholic beverages, it is your civic responsibility to know your limit when applying cologne prior to presenting yourself in confined public spaces. Remember that sometimes, less is more, and in the application of colognes, that rule-of-thumb is always the case. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.”