My Handshake Brings all the Boys to the Yard


A firm handshake is critical. Go bone-crushing hard and you’re viewed as a maniac and probable domestic abuser. Go too soft and you’re a sissy, insincere or creepy. Firm is how it’s played.

At the conclusion of a meeting yesterday, the gentleman I shook hands with came in unexpectedly fast and tightened his grip at my 2nd knuckle so that he was shaking my fingertips. It was at this moment in time, during my 41st year on this earth, that I decided I will no longer let these rare instances of handshakes gone wrong go without acknowledgement. I then explained to him that he gripped too fast and that we need to end this productive and positive meeting with a more manly shake than the poor one in which we were just engaged. A firm handshake with equal pressure from both sides followed and confidence and good tidings filled the room.

From now on, when I haven’t been able to offer a firm handshake, I’m going to call ‘do-over’.

Also, a note to all of you bone-crushing hand shakers: be advised that I have been working out my forearms. You come at me too strong with that shake and I will squeeze until your bones turn into a fine powder.

This entry was posted in General Tomfoolery/Hijinks/Free Association Thought. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to My Handshake Brings all the Boys to the Yard

  1. I, too, am a victim. There, I feel better just saying that. I knew this guy, a farmer, whom I approached with dread whenever greeting him, because I barely got my hand out there before he locked it in a vise grip; even when I tried to steel myself in advance, I was never fully ready. He probably thought I shook hands like a girl. (No offense, ladies.) Nice to find another middle-aged male blogger out there. I like your sense of humor. That, and your Frankness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • fncoffee says:

      It’s good to know there are more of us! Maybe if a do-over handshake isn’t an acceptable offer, hitting the deck and busting out 50 push-ups to exhibit our manliness would be the thing to do?


  2. Annie C says:

    Why, oh why, is it so hard to get a handshake right? I, personally, am more offended by the limp, barely touching your hand, shake so that it feels more like the shaker in question (male or female–it knows no gender bias) is awaiting me to get on bended knee and kiss their hand a la curtsy in a peasant dress, hail to the lord (or lady) style. A handshake involves the whole hand people! And as the name implies, should involve an actual “shake”.


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