I’m pretty sure that all coveted longstanding recreational boogeyboard records in the Male, Over 40, 225lb-plus category were shattered earlier this week when a certain large, pale man from Kentucky took his skills from the muddy banks of the Ohio River to the sugar-white sands and turquoise waters of the Emerald Coast. In particular, those records related to longest time spent floundering around on his back in the surf, unable to get back on his feet in six inches of water while loud cries of “I used to be in shape!” were repeated between desperate gasps for air on account of the relentless pounding of the surf. They’ve never seen anyone quite like me here.