I just bought a toilet from The Home Depot. The salesperson told me that it can flush a bucket of golf balls. There was another toilet that actually listed on the sign that it could flush a bucket of golf balls – I confirmed with the salesperson that the one I purchased was up to that task as well because that’s very important.

I don’t know that I’m capable of producing a stool that is like a bucket of golf balls (speaking in consistency, color and volume terms) but it’s nice to know that if my digestive system matures in a way that would produce such a stool, I’ll be able to whisk it away to sea without the use of a plunger.

I think that one of the greatest jobs ever would be to write toilet flushing capability ads for The Home Depot. If I ever got that gig, my first sign would say that you could flush a reluctant cat down the toilet – maybe with a cartoon illustration of a cat with its little cat arms and legs spread out in a futile effort to keep from being sucked down the pipes? I’d say on a different sign that another toilet could flush enough bricks of manure to build a dollhouse with. All toilets would be coded with my easy to read indicator to show whether or not they are capable of flushing away a 5 gallon bucket of hummus leaving no remains in the bowl.

I’m pretty sure that I’d be really good at this job so if any of you have any connections that might help me land a part time job doing this on the side, please let me know.