Here’s an email that I just received as a result of being on the local minor league baseball team’s marketing email distribution list. 

“Night of Worship with Hawk Nelson! This Sunday!”, as a subject line does not make me want to rush out and buy tickets to this game; instead, it leaves me with questions. 

1) Who is Hawk Nelson? A religious magician? Your exclamation point leads me to believe that I should not only know, but that I should be excited.

2) What/Who will we worship? Will this be a masked invitation to expose the public to mind control through Scientology? 

3) Is this event somehow directly or indirectly related to baseball? (Because baseball only pairs up well with a Beach Boys concert, post-game fireworks and those between-inning deals where two guys in rubber Sumo suits square-off against each other until one man submits.)

4) Why did someone name someone Hawk Nelson? Unless you’re a bird watcher or on the Monster Energy Xtreme sports tour, that is a terrible name for someone. Even if one of you has named your child Hawk Nelson, I’m not sorry. I stand firmly in my conviction that you’ve chosen your child’s destiny with that horrible name.

The one thing that I know for certain is that I’m not going to this game because I want to remain uncertain about what’s going on here – I’m getting some sort of weird pleasure from the uncertainty.