***Stop Here. This is the final installment of a series of correspondence that I had with an internet fraudster who contacted me while selling our car. Scroll down a few blog entries to read them in order.
We received an acceptable offer on the CRV. See below for how I delivered the news to David:
It has been some time since I’ve heard from you. By now, I’m fairly certain that my re-proposal of the use of Susan B. Anthony’s packaged in burlap sacks and secured with rope as a transactional medium is not something that you’re interested in doing. In hindsight, I can see that my proposal was idiotic and for that, I am sorry.
I have some news to share with you and your dad that is terribly difficult for me to deliver. You and I have grown to be close over the past few weeks and I feel as though I have grown to be a part of your family – like a distant third cousin you’ve never seen face-to-face, but still family. Both of us hold the importance of family in the highest regard so that is what makes this so difficult.
David, I have sold the car. I’ll let the shocking news sink in for you a little by starting a new paragraph.
Last evening, as my family relaxed in front of the TV (I’m back home for the weekend from Saskatchewan) I heard an unusual brushing sound at our front door. I went to open it and standing there was the Nigerian Prince, shoulder to shoulder with his village shaman. (The brushing sound, as it turns out, was an oxtail door-knocker bedazzled with precious gemstones that the Prince uses on visits of important matters.) Anyhoo, he had the small, solid gold baby swaddled in his arms and I knew at that moment that he was here to talk business.
I welcomed them into our home and we sat in the living room. The shaman didn’t speak a word but seemed to have forged an instant bond with our beloved dog, DJ (DJ humped his leg…multiple times.) We talked throughout the night and it ended up that his final offer included the small, solid gold baby (with rare silk swaddling cloth included), a wooden box of rare spices and incense and a magical spell cast by the shaman that is guaranteed to make our dog, DJ, immortal.
David, it literally breaks my heart to deliver this news. I was excited at the prospect of our deal but our family loves DJ so much that the immortal spell that was offered by the shaman was just too valuable to turn down. Early this morning, we waved farewell to the Prince and shaman as they drove into the beautiful sunrise on their drive back to Nigeria (the shaman has a spell that turns the car into a cigar boat). My thoughts immediately went to you and your father.
I know that this was the 2008 Honda CRV that you had your heart set on and there are very few like it. But with time, our deep wounds will heal. Please know that I intend to stay in touch with you and since I have your father’s Wisconsin address, my family is planning a visit to see him on our next summer vacation. We won’t bring the small, solid gold baby or our immortal dog though because we wouldn’t want to dredge up old memories.
David, Phil Collins sings a song on the soundtrack to the cartoon movie, Tarzan. The lyrics include a chorus that says, “You’ll be in my heart.” I’d ask that you tune in to your local soft rock radio station next week in the evenings and listen for Delilah the DJ to announce that ‘this one goes out to David, from Mongo’. I’m going to consider that song to be our song now.
Don’t worry, we’ll get together soon. I plan to scour the Internet for your exact location so that I can make sure that I continue to be a part of your life through my electronic correspondence AND semiannual in-person surprise visits.
Thank you for being a friend, David. I’ll write again soon to make sure you’re ok.
Peace Be With You,
Sent from my iPhone