Sitting behind two men who shave the hair on their arms, wear skinny jeans, toddler-sized shirts and bathe in Halston Z-14 cologne. Out of all of the colognes on the market, these two Nancy-boys have created a fragrance force field using the only cologne that makes my face get hives when I’m around even a molecule of it.

I need some business cards printed out so that I can hand them out to men who take a whore’s bath in Halston Z-14 before climbing aboard a bus, train, plane, elevator or other confined space. The card might read, “The normally affable man who has handed you this card has only one known allergic reaction: an allergic reaction to Halston Z-14. You have evidently sprayed yourself with at least seven pumps of this cologne and, as a result, you’re putting out dangerously high levels of allergen into our shared space. Kindly remove yourself from the area and find a suitable location to wash away the excessive cologne on your person. Similar to drinking alcoholic beverages, it is your civic responsibility to know your limit when applying cologne. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.”