Let Me Be Frank With You

Did you know that if you put meat tenderizer on the food of a dog who likes to eat his own poop, the dog won’t eat his own poop anymore because it just doesn’t taste right?

Think about that for a few minutes, then let’s regroup to discuss.

Are you back with me? How did man first become best friends with such a vile creature? Straight poop is delicious but sprinkle a little meat tenderizer on it and the dog is repulsed? I love my dog but man he and the rest of his kind sure do have some questionable taste.

An evening of dealing with my own wily bowels brought on by excessive sugar alcohol consumption (a harrowing tale in its own right) reminded me that someone told me that Alli, the weight loss product, warns those taking the product of the perils of wearing light colored pants – so I looked it up myself. Sure enough, there it is! I think they ought to do a commercial showing quick shots of people’s faces the moment they realize it wasn’t just a phart.

It’s as if the makers of Alli all agreed that crapping your pants is more acceptable if the pants are dark. How about a warning more like: Don’t bother putting on pants and stay within a five foot radius of a toilet while using this product.

It’s hard to believe that there are people among us who would roll the dice knowing the potential consequences. I wonder how many water cooler conversations have started off like this?:

“hey, I see that you’ve lost a lot of weight! Congratulations!  Remember that time when you shit your pants at work while sitting at your desk?”

The risk of EVER hearing those words spoken to me is enough for me to steer clear of Alli.

The question, ‘Should I host a big SuperBowl party?’ never crosses my mind but here’s how that internal dialogue would work with me:

Should I host a big SuperBowl party? Critical decision input factors:

1) The Bengals aren’t in it so who cares who wins?

2) If I want to wager on it, I don’t need a lot of people at the house for that. I can do it online.

3) People don’t want to see a 44 year old man wearing gray, cloth sweatpants and I don’t want to have my Sunday evening attire dictated by clothing consideration for party guests

4) suppose I actually wanted to watch the game – you can’t concentrate on a game AND keep an eye on 50 or so potential thieves wandering freely about your house

5) what if I get tired and want to take a nap in the middle of the 2nd quarter as I sometimes do? Party-goers are sometimes loud and might disturb my much-needed slumber.

6) I look so angry when I stomp around the house yelling “Who put their coals out on my carpet?”

7) What if those motorcycle goons from Weird Science show up and manhandle the party-goers?

You can see from these sample considerations that a SuperBowl party is just not in the cards for me. There are simply too many risks.

You know how women get together at one of those places where they drink wine, paint a picture or piece of pottery and have all that lady talk about feelings and stuff? Well, I want to host one of those at my house – only instead of doing all of that lady stuff, we’ll drink malt liquor and paint my hallways along with touching up some spots in various rooms. Who knows, if things go well and we finish early, maybe we’ll take this party outside and build a deck?

Recently, I was in a meeting in a very professional corporate environment with a charismatic business leader and his competent, professional and attractive female assistant.

When the business leader was talking about one of his detail-oriented colleagues, he paused mid-sentence, looked at his assistant then back at me and said “excuse my language but he’s very ANAL.” He said it with an indescribably filthy tone that made everyone sitting at the table nearly wonder to which meaning of “anal” was he referring?

It is my perception that the once taboo word “anal” (taboo in a professional environment) has been making a slow rise to becoming a universally accepted word to describe someone who is either detail oriented or too uptight. By specifically apologizing for his use of that word to his assistant, he single-handedly set the movement (pun intended) back 100 years. Thanks to this situation, it’s going to be a while for me to hear the word “anal” in an office environment and not get uncomfortable.

It took every fiber of my being to restrain myself from telling him right then that by apologizing to her, he just made it WAY more offensive than if he just said it sans apology. For the rest of that meeting, everyone’s face looked like a butthole to me.

I am an auditor by trade. I audit, it’s what I do. I didn’t grow up dreaming of this career but my path somehow led to it (and I’m horrible at sales) so here I am. I take care to maintain a high degree of professionalism in my job because, as far as jobs go, this one is pretty decent and I intend to keep it for as long as they’ll have me – all of that plus, ‘bloom where you’re planted’ as my mother would say.

During a recent appointment in a bank branch, I arrived promptly, upbeat and ready to go after listening to a Foo Fighters album during the lengthy drive to get there which was playing on my iPod that was hooked up to the car stereo. I entered the office and asked for the branch manager as is typical.

While waiting for the manager, I meandered around the empty lobby offering friendly nods and smiles to the bank employees who were all looking my way. Coincidentally, I heard the relatively loud music of the Foo Fighters playing and it was the same song that I had just been playing in the car! I thought to myself, this is a pretty cool bank to be playing Foo Fighters songs in the lobby at a louder than normal volume as I tapped my thighs, bounced to the beat and whispered along with the lyrics.

The music continued as I met and shook hands with the branch manager and walked back to the office. As I took my seat, I reached for my cell phone to turn down the ringer for our meeting and realized it had been my iPhone playing the whole time! That’s why they all seemed to be looking at me with half-smiles – because they think I’m a tool!

In these parts, I’m certain that I am now sarcastically known as The Rock and Roll Auditor. I think I’m going to play it up next time I’m there by bursting into the branch, sliding in on my knees, pumping my fist and screaming in my best Paul Stanley (from KISS) voice “Party People! Who’s ready for an audit? I can’t hear you! Who’s ready for an audit?”

When I find that I’ve been an unintentional boob, I sometimes like to double down by playing it up a little.

This photo reminds me of the time that I hastily purchased a new set of shoes for work from the clearance rack at DSW.

Typically, I don’t put a lot of thought into the purchase of work shoes. I maintain a plain black and brown pair and typically go for the slip on loafer style so as to cruise through airport security lines with more haste than those who spend time messing with laces – for those reasons as well as to keep with the conservative dress standards of the industry in which I work.

On this particular occasion, I picked up a pair of brown loafers and wore them into work for the first time. During a conversation with a coworker, he looked down at my new shoes, his eyes went wide and he started to giggle almost uncontrollably. I wasn’t quite sure what could possibly be so funny. Did I somehow leave the house without pants? Did I step in dog crap or have toilet paper stuck to my heel?  I glanced down to solve the mystery and saw that the pair of clearance shoes I just purchased were not plain and brown. Instead, they had a tiny buckle on them and a very noticeable (in office lighting conditions) leopard skin pattern on the tops of each.

For the rest of the day, every time he saw me, he’d call me Big Poppa and follow the greeting up with a rap, “I love it when you call me Big Poppa. Throw your hands in the air, like you a true playa.” or “Pimpin’ ain’t easy but it’s necessary that’s why I’m chasin’ them ladies like Tom chased Jerry.”

Neither Pimping, nor being Frank is easy.

I don’t like to look at LinkedIn. It weirds me out to see people I know on a personal level put on their businessman facade. I would never do this but I always want to comment on their business motivational posts that I like the side of them that tells dirty jokes and crushes beer cans on their forehead much better than the business side of them.