Let Me Be Frank With You

While discussing the exercises they’re doing in gym class, my eldest son pointed out something to me about pull-ups that I’ve never considered until now.

You really only need to be able to do one pull-up because in a real life scenario where you’re dangling from a bridge and need to save yourself, you’re not going to impress anyone by doing two or more. Same thing if you need to quickly scamper over a wall when the police are chasing you – one good pull-up is really all you need. Anything more in gym class or real world scenarios is way too flashy.

The force is strong with this one.

While at dinner one night with colleagues, my table of four scooted our table to make for a little more space. Having a granite top, it was unbelievably heavy as we pushed it towards the people sitting on the other side of the table. About 10 minutes later, our waiter and the manager frantically scrambled to our table after noticing that our table adjustment resulted in that 200 pound slab of granite now being precariously perched upon the base and the folks on the other side of the table were unknowingly dangerously close to cracking all four femurs.

It made me realize that sometimes in life we can be having a great time and then all of a sudden, BAM!, your femurs are snapped in half by an unusually heavy tabletop. Enjoy every minute of every day, folks. You could be just seconds away from snapping your femurs without even knowing it.

I work from home a lot of the time. With that, comes the benefit of getting to know the habits of our dog and cat rather well.

Our diabetic cat is normally pretty slow and lethargic. After seeing what she does around 9am every day, her energy level makes sense. She slowly enjoys her breakfast at 8am, relaxes a little while on the floor and then slinks over to her litter box about an hour later. As she exits her litter box at 9, she expends every ounce of energy in her being as the sounds of rolling thunder bounce off the walls and she sprints some sort of weird toileting victory lap around the house, each time ending up at the front window to loudly meow as if to announce to the neighborhood that she just lost 3 pounds during that litter box session.

Not a bad idea to celebrate the satisfying everyday things in life, in my opinion. Thinking about incorporating my own daily toileting celebration in a similar fashion.

This goes to show that if we watch our pets closely enough, we can take away a lot of good ideas from them to incorporate into our own lives.

I had a handful of those cherry tomatoes as a snack tonight after watching Fear the Walking Dead. The thought occurred to me about midway through the tomatoes that each little tomato is not unlike a tiny human head. I mean, you bite into in and there’s that little snap/crush sound and then the juicy contents are dispersed, in this case, for your enjoyment.

If I were charged with ramping up sales of cherry tomatoes, I might work a deal with the Walking Dead franchise to see if we could paint little zombie faces on each tomato and sell them to the faithful fans. Nothing like crushing a bowl full of tiny little heads while watching some regular sized heads getting crushed on your big screen.

If any of you are in cherry tomato sales, feel free to run with that idea – feel free to take credit for it too. I’m not looking to make a profit here, I’m simply doing my part to make this world a better place one suggestion/idea at a time.

I came dangerously close to crossing a point of no return this evening. It’s probably more than you care to know, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

In my haste, I forgot to pack underwear for my trip. Fortunately for me, I haven’t been working out but I have been bringing my workout clothes…just in case. The two pairs of shorts have been suitable alternatives to your standard underwear but now I’m out. No store is close to me other than a CVS drugstore in the lobby so whatever they have is my only choice.

Having never purchased drug store underwear for myself in the past, I went to the logical place to find them (near the socks). They had one three pack of men’s size small which would be like wrapping my loins in a tourniquet so I moved on.

It struck me that they make Depends adult diapers and I could use them not to soil myself in but to simply use as a shield between my body and the thin worsted wool dress pants I need to wear tomorrow. After scanning my options, I was delighted to see that I wear a size small/medium in adult diapers so I grabbed the smallest pack of generics and moved towards the register.

I swear to you that on my way to the register with a full and honest intention and acceptance of wearing an adult diaper for the first time tomorrow, my eye caught a three pack of boxer briefs in my size next to the candy section.

Almost reluctantly, I picked up the three pack and walked the adult diapers back to their place on the shelf. It’s weird that once I accepted the idea, I was almost looking forward to giving it a go and basking in the glow that I would surely feel tomorrow as I mingled with the public with my little secret. I briefly even flirted with the idea of giving a pair the old load test when I returned to home base.

You don’t ever want to wish incontinence on yourself but after considering this so strongly tonight for the first time in my life, I do hope to give them a shot one day. I believe today has readied me for such an experience.

I conducted a little experiment while driving through Indiana this morning. I decided to turn on a country music station and pretend I was just hired as a DJ for a “new country” station. The idea was to see if I could withstand the job with my strong dislike of new country.

My pretend DJ job lasted 1.5 songs. I stormed out after a song by Luke Bryan where the lyrics suggested his girlfriend was AMAZED that ‘her’ song would be played TWICE in one night on the radio! So amazed, in fact, that the lyrics implied she was even getting a bit randy. I wonder if that dimwit hayseed knows that she could buy the song on iTunes so she doesn’t have to rely on the DJ to play it for her?

I simply couldn’t suspend my loathing of country music long enough to finish my shift. Starting off this Monday a little disappointed in myself for not giving the obligatory 2 week notice.

The lady at the gas station just doubled over in uncontrollable laughter after I plopped a gallon of milk, a bag of marshmallows and 4 pack of emergency gas station toilet paper on the counter, looked her in the eye and said, “I’m having a party” in an I’m-going-to-answer-your-question-before-you-ask-it way.

My comment really wasn’t really of the highest of comedic caliber but I’ll accept a few big laughs wherever and however I can get them.

It’s interesting that toilet paper is marketed as “Strong” or “Soft” but often times not both. I can’t think of a time when I’d prefer a strong, yet sandpapery wipe or a soft and dirty wipe. I prefer a wipe similar to a velvet-gloved medical professional giving me a cleaning before hemorrhoid surgery…every time. Soft and strong only for me.

I just got vaped on by a vaper. I know that most of it doesn’t smell, it’s supposedly not as harmful as cigs and people frequently breathe on each other but I don’t want to know when air from inside of your filthy chest cavity touches my body. It’s the same reason I don’t wear a miner’s helmet fitted with a black light when I enter each of the many hotel rooms I visit throughout the year.

I attended two craft fairs today. Not being a regular on the craft fair circuit, I didn’t know what to expect, but I learned a few things.

The most significant thing that I learned was how the layout of the respective fair makes a huge difference in whether or not it ends up being an enjoyable experience for me. One of the shows was spread out in a high school gymnasium and very highly attended, the other was in the relatively narrow hallways of my favorite elementary school and was sparsely attended. After today’s experience, I found that
I am most definitely a fan of the highly attended and spread out version, for reasons I will now explain.

I noted that in the elementary school craft fair, shoppers were forced to walk in an almost single file line past the vendor tables. To avoid being disrespectful or unappreciative of the arts, you had to make eye contact, walk slowly and discuss the products with the craftsman at each table since we were so close to them and there weren’t enough people there to help cause a distraction. While I certainly appreciate all of the hard work and creativity that goes into crafting, it’s not really my thing. I fended off a sales pitch for homemade spices at one table with skillful small talk: “I’m stocked up on exotic homemade spices for now but let me take your card. Who knows, you might save me a trip to Calcutta at next year’s spice run?” I agreed with the half price coffee mug guy: “Yes, indeedy. The gift of a coffee mug IS suitable for any occasion.” I lamented to the scarf and wreath lady: “Do you know what would make the world a better place? More scarves and wreaths. Thanks for doing your part. I appreciate the offer but we already have a giant Bengal wreath hanging over our fireplace.” I probably talked more about yarn today than I have in my life up to that point.

Over at the larger high school craft fair, the aisles were more spaced out and the crowd was big enough that it allowed you to browse in relative anonymity. You could duck in to a section and browse without learning about how these yarn mittens or those painted wine bottles might improve the quality of your life. I didn’t have to brace myself for small talk about how you decided that a deer antler would make a fine basket handle. It was much less exhausting than the smaller craft fair because crafter contact was initiated by me and not the other way around.

I left the second craft fair proud of myself for kicking off the Christmas shopping season with a few purchases. A dog coat for DJ made from yarn, a bag of roasted almonds and a leather beer tankard with a beeswax liner from which I’ve already drank two beers this evening. All in all, I’d call it an eye opening experience and a successful day of craft shopping. My advice to you is to make sure you have a lot of energy and a long list of quips for the crafters if you ever attend a craft fair in a narrow hallway.