Author Archives: fncoffee

My Super Power? I’m Able To Secrete Nearly Three Gallons of Sweat Just By Standing In Line At The Airport Security Checkpoint. What Can You Do?

For as many flights as I’ve taken in the post-9/11 era, one might think that I’d be relatively comfortable with the TSA (which incidentally stands for Touching Scrotums Assiduously) process. You’d be wrong though. My process usually begins with packing … Continue reading

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A Filthy Expression

  I just took Our dog to the vet for his shots and a routine “juicing” of his anus. The receipt showed $30 for “anal expression”. I wanted to say, “What kind of $30 expression did his anus make because … Continue reading

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You Say Menards, I Say Mynads

I think we’re supposed to be getting one of those Menards hardware stores near us. This makes me anxious – but not in a good way. Some of you hate the word “moist” and others of you cringe at the … Continue reading

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“Don’t Worry, I’m Not Contagious,” Says The Contagious Lady All Up In My Grill.

The boys and I went to get haircuts this evening and I got stuck with the beauty operator who is, in my opinion, the least skilled of the 10 or so employees on the payroll. She’s not horrible but I … Continue reading

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Disaster Preparedness: The Eclipse

I don’t mean to sound like an alarmist, but do we have a disaster plan in place for how to safely evacuate the legions of people who plan to stare at the sun with a pair of $4 paper sunglasses … Continue reading

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The Yeti Cooler: Proving Anything Can Be Trendy With The Right Marketing

Steve Martin joked that he’d like to hire the person who is in charge of PR for the eclipse. If they weren’t available, I think the next best person might be the PR person for Yeti coolers. I don’t have … Continue reading

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Crazy Eyes

Sitting in the gate area across from a thin man of approximately 50 years of age wearing a blazer and sporting that Michael McDonald-esque silvery feather cut. Resting upon his nose, were a pair of plastic black glasses that looked … Continue reading

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Cup of Carcinogens For You?

It has been a while since I’ve given Delta Airlines a chance to serve me a cup of coffee. Since that time, they’ve converted to the exclusive use of Starbucks – a coffee that I’m familiar with and tend to … Continue reading

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Crazy Nuts

It was a chilly day in the Florida Panhandle, but for some reason, that didn’t stop me from throwing on a sweatshirt and shorts then hopping on my motorcycle for a ride to visit one of my friends and his … Continue reading

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Untitled (for there are no words)

Earlier this evening as I sat at a traffic light initially minding my own business, I casually looked over to see what was going on next to me. We were three wide at the light. There was a guy in … Continue reading

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