Let Me Be Frank With You

I’m a little neurotic about throwing away a pair of suit pants but believe it is finally time to lay my 15 year old pair of black pinstripe suit pants to rest.

One belt loop is held on with a safety pin, the inside lining is torn and tattered and they’ve been drycleaned so much, the once silky cloth now feels like birthday party streamers. Maybe I should burn them in a flag-burning-like ceremony?

In either case, it’s going to be hard to part with my old friends. We’ve traveled the country together, laughed together and cried together. I’ll take comfort in knowing we’ll be wearing each other one day in Valhalla.

I once heard a comedian tell a joke about watching Duck Dynasty/Swamp People or one of those similar shows. He said he liked to sit in front of the TV and eat a sleeve of crackers while watching a show featuring a bunch of sleeveless Crackers. That made me laugh heartily.

I have nothing against Adele. In fact, I would even go as far as to call her the Francis Scott Key of depressed English speaking women everywhere (because she writes their anthems), but I’d bet money that if you invited her to a party, the mood would turn somber. I think feeling stems from the fact that in nearly every picture I’ve seen of her, she’s either scowling, sad-faced or expressionless.

If she attended one of the many parties I throw, I think that almost everyone would be excited at first that Adele came to the party but after mingling for a while and separately engaging the party-goers in sobering conversations about women’s self-image issues and bad relationship experiences, I think everyone would be ready for Adele to leave because she’s bringing them down.

In the feedback forms I’d receive from the party attendees afterwards (because I always send out feedback forms afterwards), I would expect to see comments that would suggest that future invitations aren’t extended to Adele and maybe we bring in someone like Katy Perry or a cocaine-fueled Lady Gaga to the next one.

I may be way off base on this one but I’m fairly confident that’s how it would turn out.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey

The terrorists will never win. (Unless, of course, we’re playing any of the following games: 1) Whose Armpits Smell Worse? 2) Who Can Fall Asleep First on the Floor of This Cave? 3) My Dental Hygiene is Way Worse Than Yours!)