Let Me Be Frank With You

I recently checked out at TJ Maxx with a woman who grunted, snorted and hocked her way through the whole transaction.

There was literally not one second of the two minutes I spent with her where she wasn’t rearranging her phlegm in various ways. It reminded me of Owen from Planes, Trains & Automobiles. I died a little on the inside when she handed me the pen to sign with her plump mucus fingers.

It may be that you had to be there to appreciate the ferocity of her lack of manners and mucus control but I thought it to be a noteworthy event nevertheless. Please pray that I don’t catch that cold because that appeared to be the Mother of all colds.

I spent quite a bit of time at high school football games this year in support of the band boosters and would hear this song over and over again. I couldn’t tell what they were saying but I could tell you that this is one of the absolute worst songs that I’ve ever heard. Always one to keep an open mind though, I read the lyrics in a theatrical John Houseman/Masterpiece Theatre voice and it sounded quite a bit more tolerable.

Yea, I know we just signed a deal but
I need my advance on the next one too
They know Imma be around
Yea, I need it

Cause I got a really big team
And they need some really big rings
They need some really nice things
Better be comin’ with no strings
Better be comin’ with no strings
We need some really nice things
We need some really big rings
I got a really big team
Cause I got a really big team
And they need some really big rings
They need some really nice things
Better be comin’ with no strings
Better be comin’ with no strings
We need some really nice things
We need some really big rings
I got a really big team

Man what a time to be alive
You and yours vs. me and mine
Are we talkin’ teams? Are we talkin’ teams?
Oh you switchin’ sides? Wanna come with me?
Look at the smile on me, look at the owl on me
I do not chase girls, but they run a mile for me
Say she gon’ ride for me, I’ll buy the tires for you
This game is different, you only get one shot when niggas gon’ foul on you
Man fuck ’em all, man we want it all
Don’t get too involved, we gon’ knock you off
And to top it all, I’m with all the dogs
It’s a new season and we still breathin’

And I got a really big team
And they need some really big rings
They need some really nice things
Better be comin’ with no strings
Better be comin’ with no strings
We need some really nice things
We need some really big rings
I got a really big team
I got a really big team
They need some really big rings
They need some really nice things
Better be comin’ with no strings
Better be comin’ with no strings
We need some really nice things
We need some really big rings
I got a really big team

Man what a time, to be alive
I’m drinkin’ lean, they thought I died
I run with kidnappers, I’m talkin’ ’bout kidnappers
I’m talkin’ ’bout murderin’ niggas, I’m talkin’ ’bout carjackers
You just a battle rapper, I’m an official trapper
Niggas be droppin’ subliminals, they’re just some jibber jabber
We take a Mellow Yellow then fill it with red forever-ever
These niggas is jealous, jealous, these niggas is scared, they tellin’-tellin’
I fuck a check up on everything, I bought some ice when the feds came
I bought that new Celine, I got some rings, I got racks like Serena
All of my rings Aquafina, my bitch Aquafina
Pluto and Jupiter, I go to Venus
Fresh out the store but I’m not out the cleaners
Who keepin’ score cause these niggas, they losin’

Cause I got a really big team
And they need some really big rings
They need some really nice things
Better be comin’ with no strings
Better be comin’ with no strings
We need some really nice things
We need some really big rings
I got a really big team
Cause I got a really big team
And they need some really big rings
They need some really nice things
Better be comin’ with no strings
Better be comin’ with no strings
We need some really nice things
We need some really big rings
I got a really big team

A couple of years ago on a snowy day, I gathered up my sons, my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew and went sledding at a local park.

For those of you who have those wooden sleds with the metal red rails tucked away in your basement or garage, consider this your alert to take them out and slick down the rails with Pam cooking spray. Because there is simply no sled offered on the recreational sledding market today that has the velocity, endurance and overall X-factor that these things have.

After watching the kids for a while, I lowered my 250lb body onto the wooden planks in a head first, belly down position. Nervous adults shifted their eyes from me to their children, knowing that what was about to happen was perilous. ‘What’s with that hat? Is he a mental patient or is it just for fun? This guy makes me nervous’, they thought as I readied myself for what could be a one-way trip to the bottom. With hands on the steering controls and danger on my mind, I received a push and barreled down the hill at a speed that felt unsafe in the presence of children.

At the bottom of the hill was a curb like rise in the terrain which I hit with the front part of the sled as I reached maximum velocity. The sled stopped immediately as it wedged firmly into the earth and I slid approximately 15 yards on my torso and face, tearing the mustache off of my new hat/beard/mustache ensemble and tearing up the winter jacket I’ve had for 15 years but shattering the Northern Kentucky speed record for downhill recreational sledding! I laid motionless for a minute taking inventory of any broken bones, internal bleeding and/or organ damage. Feeling as if I were well enough to rise to my feet and paranoid that someone might call 911 if I continued to lay there, I stood up and gingerly offered the crowd of onlookers at the top of the hill a ‘thumbs-up’ to the relief and delight of my family.

I’m hoping that the weather outside turns frightful soon so that I might once again take my skills to that hill to recreate this death defying stunt as nothing makes me feel so alive as an out-of-control, high speed, head first downhill descent.

(The author, just prior to messing up his hat and ski jacket on the sledding run described above.)

One of the technicians at the oil change place has a purple truck with one of those sun visor strips on the front that says “Plum Crazy”. All of the technicians here appear to be in their mid-40’s – which seems to me a bit too old to be doing that but whatever. I know that putting the “name” of your jacked-up hillbilly truck was the thing to do when I was in high school in a small Ohio farm town during the ’80’s but I haven’t seen that in a while so I thought it was a thing of the past.

I don’t think I would have gone with “Plum Crazy” if that were my truck and I was in to naming the vehicle and publicizing that with a sticker. I probably would have gone with “Purple Nurple”, “Plum Smuggler”, or “Grape Ape” if I were going to name it based on the color, but more likely, I would have put a name tape on it that would make it so everyone would give me a wide berth. Something like “Murderer Onboard”, “Ask Me About My Ebola” or “A Lot of Love to Give”

Hey everybody! The price of the Single-Locking Suction Footrest For Shower Sex love enhancer has been rolled back. Now that they’re on sale, I’m going to buy enough of these to make the inside of my shower look like a rock climbing wall so I can get freaky from a variety of angles! Hoping the Self Adhesive Toilet Seat Love Grip Handles are marked down next.

If they keep it up at this pace, it will be a matter of a few short months before I install a microwave and mini-refrigerator in the restroom so I never have to leave.

I love powerful self-esteem boosters like this one (found somewhere on the interweb). Especially the last couple of lines.