Let Me Be Frank With You

I wonder if most people who carry pepper spray ever think of out-of-the-box ways of using it during a personal attack?

I don’t carry pepper spray but if I did, I believe that I would spray myself in the eyes and face with it if I knew that I was about to be sexually assaulted by an attacker. I think it would allow me to put up much more resistance from wildly wiggling around due to the burning sensation of the spray. All of that plus I’m sure that most sicko predator types would think twice before attacking someone with bloodshot, watery eyes and a gallon of mucus draining from their heads who is wildly flailing his/her arms and screaming about how the chemicals burn.

This is just one idea I have about things.

I tend to enjoy minor league baseball more than big league games because it seems like more entertainment for less money. We’re fortunate to have a minor league team right here in town that has some pretty good promotions on occasion.

One promotion that I think they might need to work on though is the one where during each home game, a “lucky” fan is selected to spend the entire game hanging from the right field fence wrapped in a black Velcro suit and staring directly into the sun for the duration of the game. If this lucky person happens to catch a home run ball, they get a free fireworks show to be held at their home.

I’m not opposed to a free fireworks show but I think going through all that crap is worth more than a chance to piss off your neighbors by shelling the skies above their homes with explosives. If the prize were $1million, I’d still have to think long and hard about whether or not to subject myself to a nine inning heat-hanging in right field for three and a half hours in a black Velcro suit.

I think the deal should be that if you hang on that wall for the entire game without complaining, neither federal, state nor local laws should apply to you for 48 hours. Give that person Go-Pro camera and a live stream website to document their 48 hours of no legal consequences? Now we’re talkin’. Sign me up! Otherwise, good luck finding suckers to take you up on that deal.

On second thought, there are a lot of hillbillies around here and hillbillies love fireworks and explosions so maybe they know what they’re doing to bring in hordes of local fans after all?

I just identified and murdered my first stink bug here in the previously-thought-safe-and-bug-free confines of my home.

As I bent down to sneak-attack it from behind with the wadded up piece of toilet paper that I used as an instrument of execution, a wave of terror and its accompanying cold sweat washed over me. “What if this prehistoric-looking-trilobite thing sees me, can sense my plan and then takes a defensive position of flying right up into my eyeball where he latches on and then releases some of that mysterious stink bug juice into my eye? What then?”

I faced my worst-case-scenario fears, proceeded with my attack and experienced that phenomenon again where I’m worked up and make weird, involuntary noises as I scurried to the bathroom (wiggling around from a serious case of the willies) and flushed that vile beast down the toilet.

In this story of man vs. nature, I’m happy to report that man was victorious. However, this event has caused new ‘man vs. himself’ conflict with the winner yet to be determined.